Ryan 8

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I got a package in the mail yesterday from Ryan. I knew he was sending something from his vacation, but I didn't know what. Turns out he sent me a very, very cool t-shirt. It read, "I love Mormon Boys." Then Ryan modified it so it reads, "I love BAD Mormon Boys." I laughed out loud. It was perfect. I love Ryan's sense of humor. He also sent Jelly Bellys and a pin from the Jelly Belly factory. It was so sweet of him to think of me.

He also enclosed a letter in the package, because he said, "I know you like this letter stuff." The paragraph that I keep reading over and over again.

"Anyway 10 hours of car driving and 2 days of church history left me with some time to think. And of course I spent some of that time thinking of you. The rest I just didn't think. One of my invaluable skills. But thinking of you was a lot of fun. Certainly looking forward to your visit. Wishing I was vacationing with you instead. I think you could have made even church history fun. Well maybe not the history but at least the time spent in Nauvoo."

Ryan got back from vacation yesterday and called last night. He woke me up around 1:30am but I was so glad he did. We talked and caught up on everything (even though we've talked about every other day while he was gone). It sounds like he's looking forward to my visit almost as much as I'm looking forward to it.

After we got off the phone, I had a hard time falling back asleep. For some reason I felt unsettled. I worried about my visit. What if we run out of things to talk about? What if I don't have the same feelings about him when I see him again? What is he doesn't? Worried about stupid stuff - that's me. I mean, it really doesn't matter, right? We're just going to have an extended date. A four day long date. We can always decide afterwards that it isn't going to work and we don't want to date any more. It's going to end sooner or later. Not the end of the world.

Yet I still worry. I really like Ryan and I want it to work out.

If I'm being honest with myself, I really want to settle down. I want to quit dating and just be with someone who I really, really like. I want to feel completely secure with someone else. I want to trust my own feelings. To know that they love me just as much as I love them. I want to be able to send cheesy I love you cards and not worry that it will freak him out. I want to go shopping and buy him stuff. I want to share life's responsibilities with someone else who can make it fun. I want to look forward to coming home after work, because I have someone to come home to.

Yeah, that last one is really sad. I'm going to stop before I make myself cry.