Ryan 4

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I like Ryan so much. He's so incredibly sweet. He doesn't get weird about being sweet either. He just is. It's tempting to write it off as beginning of the relationship stuff, but it seems more genuine than that. It's stuff like, "I'm going home and maybe I'll be lucky enough to talk to you later tonight," that he writes in email. It's his teasing that he sits by the phone waiting for me to call. I love that he doesn't have to pretend not to like me so we can play some silly game about pretending not to care.

He has joked a few times that he's been too open and honest with me. He said ihe should make it more of a chase. I don't want it to be a chase. The sweetness is totally drawing me in. I just want to be swallowed up by his embrace and snuggle into his neck.

Hell, I'm even imagining myself living with him! I'm trying to figure out if I can get a job in Canada (and a work visa first). I'm imagining what it would be like to do day to day stuff with him like cook dinner and pack for trips. I'm smitten for sure.

I feel weird about feeling like this and keep questioning it. Maybe I don't really like him that much. Maybe I just like the idea of him. Maybe this isn't what I want for the rest of my life. Maybe I just think I like him enough right now but in a couple years, I'll realize that I don't really like him all that much. Maybe I'll never find someone I'll want for the rest of my life. Maybe I should just find someone I like a lot and can change with and hop in. Is Ryan that person? Am I even old enough to be thinking this way? What do I really want? What does Ryan really want? Am I just a rebound for Ryan? Does he just miss having a wife and anyone will do?

God, I'm so cynical. At this rate, I'm never going to settle down with someone. I totally sabatoge it with my thoughts. Why can't I just sit back and enjoy how I feel? I am smitten. (I almost wrote, "I'm in love," but I'm too chicken.) When I think about Ryan, I get those silly little butterflies in my stomach. I can't wait until I can kiss him again. I think about his waist and shoulders. I find him sooooo attractive. And the kissing? The kissing is incredible. It was never like this with Kevin...a huge misstake is being involved with someone you don't like kissing. No matter how far away you live, you'll never be able to get beyond that. Or at least I was never able to. With Ryan, all I want to do is kiss. I'm not in any hurry to get intimate. I just want to kiss. And hold hands. And talk. And rub his back. And run my fingers through his hair. And smile. And watch him smile. Then kiss him some more.

I'm smiling writing all this. I even have goosebumps! I feel like I'm in junior high again. I didn't think it was possible to feel like this ever again. You know what? I don't want to give this up. I want to make this work. I know these feelings are going to wear off someday, but I'll always be able to look back and remember that they were there. That my heart was telling me something about Ryan. My heart isn't ever wrong.

Ryan makes my toes curl. this was a topic of conversation that came up with a bunch of my girlfriends. Tina asked Karen if Jason made her toes curl. Because when a guy makes your toes curl, you know it's right. I'd have to agree. At the time of the conversation I was really, really sad because Kevin didn't make my toes curl but I was too content to get out of the relationship. I was scared that I'd never get out and meet someone who made my toes curl. Yet I have. I am a very, very lucky woman.

Yesterday, Ryan ended an email with "29 sleeps." It took me all day to realize he meant we had 29 more nights until we'd be together again. So sweet! This guy is incredible. Truly.