Ryan 34

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I told Ryan that I love him. He doesn't love me.

Ryan says that he cares about me a lot. He said he's only truly cared about a few women in his life and I'm one of them. But he says that he simply can't say "I love you" to anyone other than his son and his family. (And I don't think he says it to them very often.) He said that he thinks he's broken in this way. But I love him anyhow. My love is not dependent on whether he loves me back. I just love him. There's really nothing in my power to change that.

Things have been changing between Ryan and I since I was in Germany. During that trip, I decided that I didn't want to keep spending the time and energy on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I was frustrated that he wasn't planning a trip to see me. I decided to move on. So I signed up for match.com in order to meet and date some men in my own city. Then when I got back home, I stopped calling Ryan every night. Our phone calls are down to once or twice a week. He's been showing more interest by instant messaging me on a regular basis, but that's about it. There was definitely some distance growing between us. While it was hard to let that happen, I knew I had to do it for my sanity. I simply didn't want to be obsessed with Ryan when he obviously wasn't that into me.

The conversation we had Thursday night changed my perspective on a lot of things. It all started when we were instant messaging and he suggested I call him. So in the car after work, I called. I was on my way to a date with Andy, a guy I met on Match.com, and I decided to tell Ryan that. He was definitely unsettled about it, but accepting. The date didn't go very well (Andy was just not my type) and I called Ryan on the way home. Ryan was obviously pleased that the date didn't go well and conversation just spawned from there. I explained to Ryan that I was frustrated that he wasn't planning on visiting me and that I knew I had to move on. I decided the best thing for me to do was date men in my own city. He said that he understood and that he just wanted me to be happy. He said he understands wanting someone closer, but that he'd be upset if I ended up dating someone else long distance.

We talked about our relationship and how much we like each other. But that it's frustrating and it is what it is...a long distance thing. We talked about what we want - for the first time, Ryan actually told me that he wants me in his life and values my friendship. I told him that I wanted him as a friend and as a lover. He said he wanted me as a lover too.

We talked about wanting to be friends for a long time, no matter what happens between us. I would be very happy for Ryan if he found someone else. I would be sad for me, but accepting. I have really good perspective on this relationship. I think relationships/love are about the journey not the destination. So I don't think this is about getting married or settling down or finding that one person. For me, my relationship with Ryan is a life-long thing. He has shown me that I can love again. He's shown me that I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life...I will always have love in my life. I truly believe Ryan's role is my life was to show me that I can love. It doesn't matter that he doesn't love me back. It only matters that I am finally feeling real love again.

I'm such a creature of action. I keep thinking that I want to do SOMETHING. Unfortunately, there's nothing to do. There's no reason to do anything. Though Ryan was very sweet and understanding that if I wanted it to, things between us could change. I told him that I've changed things enough to satisfy me right now. I just have to remember that this is just part of the process. Time takes care of all things.

In time, I expect that Ryan and I will completely shift to friends. It's simply too difficult to be in love with someone that doesn't love you back. It's simply not right. I believe that I'm not the right person for Ryan long term. Eventually he will meet the woman who he will really fall in love with. And I'll be so happy for him. I can't/won't choose to be with someone who doesn't love me. I can't fix him. But that's ok, it just isn't meant to be.