Ryan 30

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

So I finally had the conversation with Ryan about his not coming to visit. I explained that I felt like him coming to visit was proof that he liked me. I told him I was afraid he didn't like me as much as I liked him. He said the main problem with coming to visit was the fact he just bought a second house. But I just have such a hard time believing its just the money. I told him that I just want him to be honest with me about how he feels. That I've been in a situation where I didn't like the other person (Kevin) as much as he liked me; yet, I wasn't honest about it because I was comfortable and happy. Ryan says that he likes me a lot and he enjoys my company. Which I know is true otherwise he wouldn't spend time with me on the phone like he does. But I need him to make the effort to visit. I need him to show me how he feels.

He talked about how he doesn't show his feelings like I do. And I know he doesn't. But I just get the feeling that he's not into this like I am. He's not thinking long term like I am. I want to move to Calgary and be closer. I want to get married someday. I even fantasized the other day about the ring he'd pick out and how he'd ask. When I asked him tonight where he sees this in a year, he couldn't answer. He said he still hoped there be an "us" but that he didn't know what that would entail. Fuck that. Fuck the fact that he doesn't even have a fantasy about us in a year. Why am I wasting my time? I have plenty of other men showing me all the attention that I need. Why can't I like them as much as they like me? Why do I have to pick the guy in another COUNTRY? Who just go divorced...isn't even officially divorced?! Who can't even give me a time frame as to when he thinks he'll come visit. If he can't even give me an idea if his visit will be this year or next year, why am I wasting my time?

It's so tempting to call him back right now and tell him it's over. I can't do this anymore. It's not what I want. I want someone who wants to settle down and get serious. I don't want someone who just enjoys my company. I don't want to be investing all this time and energy into "maybe there will be an us in a year." Fuck. I'm so upset. I'm sitting here crying. This is ridiculous. I want to throw up. I'm not going to call him. For awhile.

Today I was thinking about how easily I could have gotten hit by a car. I thought that it would be awful because I wouldn't have been able to tell Ryan that I love him. I wondered if he would have regretted never telling me before I died. How foolish. It's obvious we're in two completely different worlds.