Ryan 14

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I'm feeling like I'm getting smothered by men now that I'm single again. That sounds weird and I kinda feel weird saying it. Shouldn't I be pleased I'm getting so much attention from men? But I'm not...I really just want one. The one that's really, really far away. What's wrong with me?

Last night I had drinks with C. Now that we're not working together, we're able to have a more truthful interaction. Last night he ended up telling me that he likes me. (Something I've suspected a few times before.) He said he thinks we'd make an incredible couple - we're both attractive, ambitious, and educated. He joked that I would be a good governor's wife and since he wants to be governor it was obvious what he was saying. It all caught me off guard. Of course it was flattering and sweet and I wonder what it would be like with C, but I'm also weirded out. I don't have that deep, deep desire to be with C.

I do have the deep desire to be with Ryan. Shoot, I think about moving closer to him all the time. It's totally silly that I feel this way and I think about these things, because I barely know him! We met not even two months ago. We spent two evenings together along with a bunch of other people. Since then, we've been spending hours on the phone - most of which is just silly flirting and teasing. I really have no idea what he's like day to day. Next weekend I'll get to see some of that, but it won't really be real. We'll both be on our best behavior to impress each other. It would take at least a year of dating long distance before I could really get a feel for who he is. I don't know if I want to invest that time.

Wow, I'm being cynical. Jaded. Whatever you want to call it. Typical Erica trying to ruin it before its time. Why can't I just sit back and enjoy?

Wednesday night I went out for drinks with the bloggers and Micah was there. I think he was flirting with me. I'm pretty sure he was. I don't particularly like Micah, though I can't put my finger on why. I'm definitely not attracted to him. So the fact that he's flirting with me just annoys the crap out of me. For example, he emailed today to see if I'm going to Leia's birthday party tonight. I am going, of course, but why couldn't he just show up and see. He's got to be totally obvious about wanting me to be there. Bleh. I want to be in a relationship again just so I can use it to fend off these men. I don't like all the attention.

But I do want the attention from Ryan. Who at this moment is having a birthday party for Hunter who turned 4 this year. All of Ryan's ex-in-laws are there and so is Christa, his ex-wife. Well, technically his wife. Ugg, that makes me so angry when I think about it. I'm really not ok with the fact he didn't tell me the divorce wasn't final. You know what? I'm never going to move or get serious until he gets that taken care of. I know he doesn't want to spend the money to get it finalized, which I can understand, but I'm also not going to be the girl waiting for some guy to finalize his relationship so he can make me an honest woman.

In all truth, I don't think I'm going to have sex with Ryan until he gets the divorce taken care of. That will take a ton of self-control on my part, but it's how I feel. Besides, it's going to be really good for me to wait. See if I really want to have sex after I get to know him better. Make sure that sex has the same meaning to both of us. (Because the first time I had sex with Kevin, it was all about the hook-up for me. But for him, it was all about liking me a lot and showing it. I didn't realize it was so different until a few months later and I realized I shouldn't have gotten sexually involved.) Making us wait will be a good way to know if this is long term, like I hope it is, or not.