Ryan 1

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

I was in Vegas for the user conference. I didn't really want to work the conference, but my boss made me. The first night I stayed in and worked on a paper for school. The second night, I was convinced to go out with my boss (VP) and his boss (senior VP). We went to an Irish pub at New York New York. I went because I wanted to schmooze with my bosses.

I made my way around the patio talking to various groups of people. Pretty early on I saw a very, very attractive man. So attractive, in fact, that I decided to join the conversation. I remember initially being turned off because he was so loud. Though he didn't dominate the conversation like most loud people do. Just loud. And Canadian. I didn't know what to think, but like I said, initially I wasn't turned on. Eventually, I changed groups and continued to drink.

Soon the group decided to move on. We rode the train in between hotels and ended up in Mandalay Bay. Rode the train with a bunch of my coworkers and this loud Canadian came with us. Apparently he was a client who worked quite a bit with other support groups. In Mandalay Bay, there was a little banter back and forth with this cute man. He was flirting but so was I. The club we wanted to go to was closed so we opted for a live band. Sat a few seats away from the Canadian, whose name I learned was Ryan. We talked a little, but nothing significant. I remember thinking that he was very silly.

I spent the rest of the night drinking and dancing. I even danced with the senior VP which was a little weird but very cool. Almost everyone ended up on the dance floor at one moment or another except for Ryan. Admittedly, I was hoping Ryan was watching me dance. Hey, I wanted him to notice me, but it didn't seem like he was.

As it got later and later, people wandered back to the hotel so there was just a small group of us left. I went to sit down and order another drink. Ryan loudly says to me, "Pay attention to me now." It made my heart jump. (And still does.) I was so thrilled that he wanted my attention. Despite the demand, it was very cute so I sat down with him. I hardly remember what we talked about, but I do remember learning very early on that he didn't have a girlfriend.

My recollection gets fuzzy here ,because I was so drunk. I don't think I ever got another drink. Instead, I think everyone decided to leave. It took four taxis to get everyone back to our hotel. Of course, I ended up in a taxi with Ryan, my boss, and another coworker. On the way back, I decided that food would be a good idea and started talking about it. When we actually arrived, I decided to find the 24-hour restaurant for a cheese burger and Ryan came with me. I remember walking across the lobby with my boss as Ryan and I walked away to get food.

We got a table pretty quickly since it was 3 in the morning on a Monday night. I sat down in the booth first and was shocked when Ryan sat down in the booth with me. It was the first moment that I realized he liked me and that this could possibly lead to something more. (Though I had no idea the extent of more.) We ordered a cheese burger to share. I ate it with onions despite thinking better of it.

We talked and talked and talked. I hardly remember what we talked about now because I was so drunk at the time. I do remember that he gave me "the look" a couple times at the table. You know, "the look." It's the one where you know a guy wants to kiss you. It made my heart flip flop a bit. By the time we were alone, Ryan had quieted down a lot and seemed quite a nice guy. I learned he had a degree and a good job. I figured he was about my age but he never told me specifically. Eventually we finished dinner and I paid. After all, he was the client.

We ended up staying in the same wing of the hotel and took the elevator together. I was surprised to find us in an elevator alone. Though by now it must have been 4 o'clock in the morning and very few people we out. He was on the fifth floor and I was on the twelfth. We pressed the buttons. I distinctively remember Ryan leaning up against the wall with his hand almost behind his back. I pressed up against him, and we started kissing.

It was absolutely breath-taking. It was passionate and aggressive yet not too much so. I knew right then that I wanted this man a lot. The elevator stopped at the fifth floor and we didn't stop kissing. The elevator stopped at the twelfth floor and we didn't stop kissing. I realized we were back at the ground floor and pulled away.

There was an awkward moment of not knowing where to go or what to do. All I wanted to do was keep kissing this incredible man. When I realized he was not going to invite me to his room, I invited him to mine. However, I invited him only if he understood that we were not going to have sex. He appeared a tiny bit surprised, but quickly agreed. (I didn't think he was surprised because he thought we were going to have sex, but because he didn't think it was an option at all. Definitely a different reaction than most men I've been with.) We pressed floor twelve again and rode up.

I had a moment of anxiety when I thought what would happen if anyone saw me taking a customer back to my room. But then I just let my desires take over. I hardly remember what occurred between the door and the bed, but we ended up in bed together. The kissing was incredible and I didn't want it to stop. It was all very tame - we only had our shirts off. Ryan totally respected me and didn't even try anything! It was like he was just as excited as I was to simply kiss.

Eventually we fell asleep though not for very long. I woke at an insanely early hour and rolled over to Ryan immediately. I just wanted to be near him. Naturally, it woke him up and neither of us could get back to sleep despite total exhaustion. So we laid in bed talking for a few hours. I learned a lot about Ryan that morning, though I can't remember what I learned when. The fact that he had been married, they have a son together, but were now divorced didn't seem like that big of a deal. Mostly because I didn't think I'd see him again.

The conversation and cuddling was nice but we had to get up for the conference. He left for his room and I got ready. I saw him downstairs shortly afterward and he looked so beautiful. I barely made eye contact because I didn't want anyone I worked with to know what happened.

We ended up exchanging cell numbers at some point and got in touch the next night. We both had dinner plans but agreed to meet afterwards. I think Ryan mentioned that we should go back to my room right after dinner but I wanted to go out dancing with everyone. So he came along. It was a fun night as well. There was plenty of dancing and drinking. I think I even got a bit short with Ryan since I was worried my coworkers were going to find out and I was going to get in trouble. I remember telling him that my job was more important than he was.

Though somehow I still allowed him to come back to my room. We sat on the couch and kissed for awhile. I lamented what a bad idea it was for us to be together, but it was kind of a mute point by that time. The kissing was still incredible though I wasn't able to stay awake for very long. Again, I woke up at an insane hour in the morning. We laid in bed for a few hours that morning talking. This morning he let me kiss him despite embarrassment for morning breath. He had nothing to worry about. Ryan even tastes good in the morning.

At one point my cell phone rang and I had to sell services to a customer over the phone. It was a comical site because I was lying in bed with Ryan, without a shirt, talking business. The best part was when he ran his fingers over my skin.

Eventually we got up for the day. It was our last day in Vegas so we knew we might not see each other again. I was a bit surprised when Ryan asked for my contact information. I really didn't think he'd call. I really didn't think another long distance relationship was in my future. I finally learned Ryan's last name that morning. I'll never forget how he looked so tall and beautiful standing at the door saying goodbye.

That was the last time I saw him in person. We talked on the phone that afternoon as he was at the airport. He said he wished we had made better plans and gone to the airport together. That was the first sign I had that there might be a future. We went our separate directions that day, but only for a little while.