Month of April, 2006

Meme

[A is for age:] 25...forever
[B is for booze of choice:] Bombay Sapphire & tonic or Guiness
[C is for career:] Customer Relations
[D is for your dog's name:] Bentley
[E is for essential item you use everyday:] Computer, Cocoa butter lotion
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] "Closest Thing to Heaven" by Tears for Fears
[G is for favorite games:]
[H is for Home town:] Arlington, TX.
[I is for instruments you play:] nothing since elementary school
[J is for jeans] Jeans are for going out on the town. Pants are for work. Skirts are for hanging out with friends.
[K is for kids?:] None right now (thank goodness, because I've had a few boyfriends who were like children.) Yes, someday.
[L is for last hug?:] Autumn or Bryan...I can't remember as it's been a couple days.
[M is for marriage:] Single
[N is for name of your crush:] Ben, who I met at a bar a couple weeks ago and don't imagine I'll ever see again. He's a golf caddy and I'm sure the alcohol had something to do with that crush.
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] None, thank goodness! Though I did finally find the hospital near my house the other day. So in the event of an emergency, I know where to take myself.
[P is for phobias:] Spiders, commitment...you know, the usual.
[Q is for quote:] "Though she be but little, she is fierce."
[R is for biggest regret:] Being so selfish.
[S is for status:] I keep reminding myself that social status is not important. Relationships and balance are far more important than status.
[T is for time you wake up:] 6:00am
[U is for underwear:] white cotton - plain jane and functional
[V is for vegetable you love:] tomato & spinach
[W is for worst habit:] boys...I really should kick that habit.
[X is for x-rays you've had:] A dislocated finger in junior high, my lungs a couple years ago (I used to be a smoker)
[Y is for yummy food you make:] Chili-rubbed pork kabobs with pineapple salsa
[Z is for zodiac sign:] Pisces

From Karen, who got it from Julie

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Good Advice

"I do NOT believe in the "time heals all wounds" theory. Time only makes our memory fade, but then if the "issue" comes back around and revives our memory we are right back to where we were. I think the only way to really get "over" something is to gain a new prespective about it but learning as much as possible and then figuring out what you think of it. The bad thing is that to get the perspective we need we sometimes need to have conversations/interactions that are uncomfortable and that we would prefer to avoid."

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Happy Birthday, Karen!

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Blue Screen of Death

On Saturday, the home computer got the blue screen of death. That machine has been acting wonky for quite awhile now but I kept hoping it could hang on a little longer. And I'm lazy. I know I should back up the important files on a regular basis, but I don't. Again, I'm lazy. These days by the time I get home from work, the last thing I want to do is sit in front of the computer. (Definitely a huge part of the reason I haven't redesigned my site in a billion years. Though I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'd like to do something with images of the desert. That just means I need to get out and take some pictures.)

Anyhow, I finally got motivated by the blue screen of death, which by the way was the second blue screen I've seen in the past month. I backed up all the photos, all the music, and all the other files here and there that I wanted. Now I need some advice on what to do next. Should I a) try to fix it using the tools in Windows, b) leave it alone until it totally crashes, or c) simply reload Windows and start completely over. I'm leaning towards C. What do you think?

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Relationships

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I've been thinking a lot about what I want and what that means for my life. I've reached a certain level of success in my education and career but I haven't been successful in a committed relationship. I'd like to have a committed relationship, yet I've never been able to commit. I've been thinking about my inability to commit a lot lately.

Interestingly enough, a lot of things have happened in my life in the past week to make me think deeply about relationships. A friend said to me, "I wish that when I was in my 30's, I had simply found the nicest man around and stayed with him. I should have just found a nice man." She said all the other stuff (looks, success) doesn't matter. I got the distinct impression that she wanted companionship and wished she had found it long ago.

Having Autumn and Ky living with me for the past couple weeks has also had me thinking about their relationship. They've both made sacrifices for their relationship, but it's what has kept them together. And they both make it extremely obvious that they get a lot of happiness and peace in life through their relationship. I can remember when Autumn moved to El Paso to be with Ky. I thought she was crazy to leave her exciting single life in Austin to move to a border town like El Paso. Now, over 4 years later, it's obvious she made the right choice. She and Ky have a wonderful relationship together and they have a beautiful baby boy.

I started reading a book called Unhooked Generation, the Truth About Why We're Still Single, by Jillian Straus. Straus started looking around at herself and her friends and wondered why everyone was so successful yet so single. She decided to study my generation to determine why we have such an issue with commitment. At this point, I've only read the first chapter of her book, but I think she's totally hit the nail on the head.

Straus writes that there are "Seven Evil Influences [which] are external influences that bring about in us internal inclinations that, in turn, stand in our way of finding the love we are seeking." I'm going to list her seven topics and summarize them in my own words. I'd encourage you to pick up the book because she says it far more eloquently than I do.

1. The Cult of I - We're a very selfish generation. We think love will come to us and we don't have to work for it. We want to benefit from the relationship without having to sacrifice anything.
2. Multiple Choice Culture - We have access to too much information / people. We think our choices for finding someone else are endless. Isn't that what internet dating is all about? Just keep looking through profiles long enough and you'll find the perfect person.
3. The Divorce Effect - We grew up with so much divorce around us, we're skeptical of marriage. But it also inflates our expectations of marriage.
4. The Inadvertent Effects of Feminism - Feminism changed male and female roles in society. We still haven't figured that out completely. Our expectations for each other often conflict.
5. The "Why Suffer?" Mentality - We feel that relationships should always make us feel good and if they make us suffer, we should get out.
6. The Celebrity Standard - The media makes us think we should all be living fast- moving, exciting, and fabulous lives. No exactly consistent with the reality of a life-long, committed relationship.
7. The Fallout from Marriage Delay - We're waiting longer to get married, which means two things. First, we have more relationships that have failed and made us more skeptical and have raised our standards. Second, we are more set in our ways and less inclined to change.

I'm guilty of being influenced by all of these seven things, but especially by the "Why Suffer?" Mentality. I don't like to be in pain and if a relationship has caused me any pain, I simply run away. I'm also plagued with the fallout from marriage delay. I can remember first talking about that with girlfriends in Dallas. We were all in our late 20's or early 30's and discussing how independent we were. The general consensus from the group was that it would just be too hard to change in order to make room in our lives for a relationship. We were simply too set in our ways.

This book is fascinating and certainly poignant for me. Straus is verbalizing things that I've known and felt for years.

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Wayne

Sometimes its not obvious why people come into our lives. Through regular circumstances they just pop in and we often take them for granted. Wayne and I met back in February. We've been hanging out on a fairly regular basis, every two weeks or so. He always has something fabulous for us to do and always takes me to incredible places. (Like Fez, Chino Bandido, City Bakery, and La Grande Orange Grocery to name a few.) As usual with these types of things, it takes awhile to get to know someone and we've been slowly getting to know each other.

I suppose I haven't appreciated our interaction quite enough, but today I am totally appreciating it. Wayne and I went hiking at Squaw Peak. It was a gorgeous morning and the hike gave us ample time to talk. For the first time, I feel like I was able to truly open up to him and felt completely safe with that. Wayne gave his opinion and advice, asked questions and listened. It was all exactly what I needed. And today I feel extremely lucky to have him in my life.

BlackBerry

Work gave me a BlackBerry. I don't know if I should be excited or scared.

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Blast from the Past

Jim McNally posted photos from South by Southwest 2002. This one is of me, Kevin Smokler, and Mike Wasylik. Wow, that feels like a long time ago.

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Dog Door for Bentley

Christmas came early for Bentley. He got a dog door last night! I had been thinking about getting one for awhile, but just hadn't convinced myself. I was sold when Autumn told me how her dog, Greta, enjoyed the dog door at Ky's parents' house. So off I went to Petsmart and picked one up. It's the kind that slides into the arcadia doors. Luckily I have two in the back and only typically use one. The unused side is perfect for a Bentley door.

Ky and Autumn helped me install it. We probably spent less than 20 minutes getting it in. Then Autumn and I spent at least 20 minutes coaxing Bentley in and out of it. We're only going to let him use this door from now on so he'll get the idea. As of this morning, he seems to understand that it's for him, but he's still nervous about using it. Hopefully it will only take a few days for him to get comfortable and before I know it, he'll be rushing in and out by himself.

Update: Autumn found this great article about training timid dogs to go through a doggie door. I definitely think it applies to Bentley - he's too scared to push the door open himself and he doesn't care for the noise the magnet makes against the metal. Hopefully her steps of gradually getting him used to the door will work. It certainly makes sense to me!

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Ky

Autumn & Ky's child is absolutely beautiful.

A Long, Long Time

A long, long time ago I was in love. The most tragic part is I still haven't gotten over it. I'd like to have let it go a long, long time ago, but I haven't. In my mind, it was the perfect relationship. (Of course, it wasn't.) It was exactly what I wanted. I was willing to give up everything to be with him. Yet it all fell apart. The hard part is I still don't know why it fell apart. It just did. The harder part is that I haven't let it go. I don't know why; I just haven't. It complicates things for me now. People tend to repeat their mistakes and while I'd like to think I'm different, I'm not. I don't want to live the same mistake again. I don't want to be saying the same thing a long, long time from now.

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Easter Egg Cartoon

Kristen just sent this to me and it totally cracked me up.

In My Opinion

If you're over the age of 21, you shouldn't wear a skirt that is above you knees. Does this make me old-fashioned?

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Autumn, Ky, and Ky

Autumn, Ky, and Ky came into town. They're staying with me for awhile. Ky has some work in Phoenix, which means I'm lucky to get to spend time with some of my favorite friends. It's so exciting to see how big the baby has gotten in such a short time.

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Quote of the Day

"Our house got rolled last night."
- Chris, who is my age and far too old to get rolled

Hair

So this is how I'm wearing my hair these days. I don't like it as much as the spikes, but I'll live. As it grows out, I hope I'll be happier.

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Stewie

World, meet Stewie, the newest memeber of the family. Kristen and Chris adopted Stewie just a week ago. Isn't he adorable?!

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Happy 2nd Anniversary!

Karen & Jason are celebrating their second anniversary today. Congrats!

Karen and Jason a day after they were engaged.

And the day they got married - two years ago!

The last time I saw Karen and Jason in November 2005.

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