Month of February, 2001

Chinese Horoscope

Checked my Chinese Horoscope for the week.

You may feel tied down or confined by those radical ideas from authorities and you may need to change your plans in such a way that they don't seem outrageous or undoable. An unexpected friend who could bring extraordinary changes to your life may come to you. Keep the week's lessons in mind to get you through the next couple of days when others appear blind to your capability.
You may need to be more daring than usual. A new person is likely to spark your libido. This person could be very influential in guiding you to a new path in life.

Hmmm...don't you love how these things can ALWAYS apply to your life. But I'm going to enjoy it because I like being superstitious!

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Civil Email from John

I drempt about being on a beach near a castle. There were two men on bicycles. They looked like they were in a race or training for one. It wasn't warm but it wasn't cold either. I think it was overcast. I don't remember what kind of activity was occuring. It's very fuzzy. I hate it when I can't remember all of a dream.

I got out of bed wondering if John emailed. I wanted to check at home but made myself wait until I got to work. I hate that I've started thinking about him again.

You know what else I hate? I hate people who act like they're never wrong. I work with someone like that. Haven't we all? I'm a fairly non-threatening person (I mean, look at me...I look like I'm 18!) and I always try to be nice when correcting someone. But he just makes me mean because he can't just say "ok" and move on. It always turns into some big issue when it's not. Men! I think he's intimidated by me because I'm young and smart. Maybe I just want to think that. Yeah, I know I want to think it and don't really care if it's right or wrong.

John wrote again. He told me a little bit about his job and asked about mine. I guess the conversation we had around Christmas about my job slipped his mind. Not a surprise...he had been drinking the night we talked. He also sent me a picture of him with a tiger. Fitting since the picture I sent was of my dog, Tiger. I'm glad we're sending civil email but I can't make my mind stop thinking ahead. Like, "does he want me in his life again?" Writing wouldn't be so bad if I knew what his intentions were. I wish I could just ask him whether or not he has any notion of seeing if we could love each other again. He's probably just being friendly because it makes him feel better. How long can I keep rolling over everything in my head like this?

Rain, an Accident, Email

It's raining cats and dogs. The sky is dark and I wouldn't be surprised if tornadoes were forecasted. It's good weather to stay in bed. I already went to work so it's pretty tempting to just get in bed for the rest of the night. I'm supposed to go to a work "social." God, I'm getting old. Maybe I'll just get in bed even though I know I'd enjoy myself if I went to this social.

Kris got in a car accident last night. I don't know much other than that. When I called Jason after work he was at the hospital to check on Kris. Kris isn't awake long enough to tell Jason anything but he doesn't remember so it's pointless anyhow. The hospital staff said Kris hit a tree last night. Apparently he was drinking. When they got him to the hospital, he didn't know who he was and he didn't have any identification on him. It wasn't until this afternoon that he came out of it and could tell them who to call. So Jason's probably going to be there all night. I would go but there's little I can do.

Poor Kris. He really does some stupid things sometimes. I love him to death and just want him to be happy. But I don't think he is. (Are any of us, really?) He just has some really self-destructive behavior at times. Maybe this will wake him up, send him on the path of the straight and narrow...ok, well, not "straight"...but you know what I mean. Life is too short to do stupid things like drive drunk in the rain and end up in the hospital for a few days.

Autumn emailed today and she sounded happy. It's because her boyfriend, Ky, is finally in Austin with her. They've spent 3 months or more apart. (I'm not counting.) Autumn and Ky are two of my best friends in the whole world. Now isn't it funny that I say it like that? Like I'm still in 1st grade and I have to emphasize how good of friends they are? But you know what I mean. I'm going to Austin this weekend to spend time with them. We're supposed to be camping and rock climbing at Enchanted Rock, but the weather doesn't appear to be cooporating. It will still be good to go down there and hang out.

Will Friday ever get here? I mean, it's only Tuesday!

John wrote again. This time his email was about as brief as mine. He said Tiger was as big as I am (not quite but close) and he asked how long I've had him. Weird. Not weird that he asked but weird that he wrote back. Gawd, I'm such a girl! Listen to me disect these stupid little notes. I mean, anyone else could send me a note like that and I wouldn't think anything of it. When it's him, there's no possible way he could simply be asking about my dog! I'm such an idiot. Sure, I don't know why he's writing me, but I'm certainly wasting my time by getting all wack about it. I wrote back a nice but brief note. We'll see if he gets my drift. I mean, he of all people know I've got a TON of things to say (this being the perfect example) and yet I only write a couple of sentences back.

I hate this. I wanted him to write for so many months. Now that he does, I want him to quit. But part of me doesn't want him to quit. I just don't want to do this superficial crap like, "How's your job?" There's way too much history between us. Though I know all too well what it's like to be the one who broke up and wanted to be friends later. Brian wasn't forgiving enough to be my friend...not that I blame him. And eventually enough time passed where we could be friends without all the buried emotions. John and I have NOT made it that far yet.

Isn't it funny how karma gets you everytime?

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Walk & Write

I just got back from a walk with Tiger. There were some boys who asked what kind of dog he is. I know, he looks crazy. But he's great. It's amazing how happy he's made me in a little over a month. There's nothing quite like unconditional love. He's always happy to see me when I get home from work. THAT's nice.

So I can't seem to get the email my ex wrote out of my head. So here's what he wrote.

....so I told the guy, "I don't even know your dog."

Thank you for forwarding the message from the kids in Texas. I passed it on
to some people I've met with buddies in some interesting countries. If you
ever get word of how the class project ends up, let me know.

Bangkok is very curious. And working for a Chinese entrepreneur is about the
most ass-backwards thing in the world. But it's been very fun, and on the
whole, entirely rewarding.

I hope things are going well at IBM. And if you or your parents feel like
taking an adventure to Pacific Asia before May, I am a first-rate Bangkok
tour guide.

-John

I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should. The email he refers to in the note is one from a teacher in Houston. Her class was requesting people to send their location back so they can track it on a map and learn so geography in the meantime. I thought John would be a good person to send it to since he's so far away. I just didn't think he'd end up writing me in return. Like I said, he ignored the last email I sent.

So I wrote him back. All I said was that I was glad to hear he's doing well and I attached a picture of me and Tiger. Basically I don't have anything to say without saying a whole hell of a lot. I figured being brief was the best thing to do in this situation. I don't think I want to go back to wanting him. Want is so fruitless.

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Ex-boyfriend

My ex-boyfriend wrote. It was a complete shock to say the least. I haven't heard from him in months and he ignored the last email I sent. He's invited me to come visit. I can't tell if he really means it or if he's just being nice. Afterall, he's in Bangkok and how often do you know someone there? So he's probably just being nice. But he didn't have to say anything like that. He didn't have to say anything at all. I wonder if he misses me. I miss him.

Why does he decide to write now? Just when things were starting to get better. Just when I could get out of bed without thinking about him. Just when I didn't cry myself to sleep over him. Somehow I knew it was going to happen like this. It's been enough time for him to start questioning what he did. It's been just enough time for me to start living my life without him.

God, it's hard.

I'm just making this a bigger deal than it is. He simply sent me an email. And he simply mentioned I could come visit because he's in an exotic place. He's just being nice.

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Submarine Dream

I drempt I was in the Navy. I was placed in a submarine with a lot of other men and only a few women. I woke up one night and there was a man in the bed with the woman next to me. I think she was his girlfriend but she was asleep. So he got up and started undressing for me. I can remember us kissing then I ran off. I was scared even though it felt good. I ended up going upstairs and running into the commander. The commander was like a father-figure and was concerned that I couldn't sleep. For some reason he took me to his bathroom. I can remember thinking that it was huge for a submarine. He left me alone in this bathroom and that's all I remember. Later, I was on land doing training. The same man with the girlfriend was trying to seduce me. He reminds me of Kevin that I went to school with in Colorado. What was his last name?

Strange where our dreams take us.

I'm a pretty firm believer in that dreams are just a way for us to clean our minds out. Basically all the trash that we don't need comes out in our dreams. And this is how I interpret my dreams...it's just trash. I was dreaming about submarines because there has been a lot about them in the news due to a US sub hitting a Japanese fishing boat. Then all the temptation stuff about a guy with a girlfriend probably stems from a conversation Jason and I had this weekend. We were talking about all the cheating we've done in our lives. I have little or no idea why I was dreaming about Kevin. I haven't thought about him in years. Shit, I can't even remember his last name! Maybe it means something. Maybe I should try to look him up.

Maybe it was just a brain hiccup.

At Jason's Apartment

Here I am sitting at Jason's apartment at 1am. We've been reading blogs that an old friend of his wrote (Jaffo). They've given me a really interesting perspective on Jason. I haven't known him all that long but I think he's a different person now than the one that was written about him then. He agrees. It's interesting how much we change throughout our lives.

Jason and I have been talking about how much we've changed in the past few years. We both agree that we're better people now. It's not that I regret all the things I did before but I see that there's better ways to live. All the things in the past have made me who I am now. But I must keep evolving and growing. I'm much happier with who I am now that I've moved back to Arlington. It's given me a chance to slow down and soul search. That sounds so movieish but it's true.

This is weird because Jason is watching me write. There's always that little voice in my head that says, "What are you friends going to think?" when I'm writing. But that's part of the process. Even in my journals written in the privacy of my own home I worry about that. What if I died tomorrow and my mother found my journals? What would I do if my friends and family really knew what I was thinking? Would they still love me and accept me? I think so. I know I would still love and accept them. We are who we are and even if we don't share it all with each other.

I'm going to go back to Jason now. He and Tiger are talking about something. Probably the cats. Baby Kitty has been extremely interested in Tiger since he got here. But I suppose that's because he's never seen a dog before. And certainly not one as big as Tiger. I'm not even sure that I've seen a dog as big as Tiger before!

We're still waiting for the big storm that never seems to be coming. I just wanted to lay in bed and listen to the rain. Some days are like that.

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New Blog

It's funny when you finally have a blank space to write on and your mind suddenly turns blank too. Strange stuff. I've been composing things in my head for a week and now I'm finally here without anything to say. But I still need to talk. Is this soley a female trait? I mean, just this weekend I was talking to guys who act like talking is just something they do in between the times they're physically engaged in activity. For me, talking IS the activity. The older I get the more I feel like we're from other planets. Of maybe just that we shouldn't be sharing this one.

Jason told me about some machine (or organism) that some scientists were developing. It's for use on Mars in order that people might live there. I can't remember the details of this thing (Jason, it's not that I wasn't listening, it was just that I was so tired) but that's not where this was going. I think we should send all the men there. Or not. It sounds like I'm a man hater. We'll just let it sound like that. I'd probably be pretty lonely in this quest to send men to Mars. I mean, even now my once-loyal girlfriend, Autumn, would probably want men to stay. Seeing that she's in a relationship and all. I'm not bitter since she's with an amazing friend of mine, Ky.

Hmm, I wonder how my friends are going to feel about me using their last names. I'm working on getting rid of my intense worry about privacy. Which is why this blog bears my name. I mean, it's just a name. There's far higher chances of me being hurt by someone I actually know (like a co-worker) than a stranger on the internet. And everyone I know already knows my last name so what's there to hide? Besides, I love my name. It's who I am.

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