Ryan 10

Foreword: In 2004, I kept these posts on a separate blog. I wanted a place to write about my true feelings about Ryan that no one else would read. In 2007, I revisited these posts. and decided to add them to the archives. It's part of my past that is worth remembering especially the honesty with which I wrote these posts.

Ryan is not divorced. Legally he's still married.

When he mentioned it, I was in complete shock. He said it so casually in the middle of a conversation. We were talking about dentists and he was saying that he still received benefits from Christa, his ex-wife, because legally they're still married. I couldn't believe that I heard him correctly. I asked him to repeat himself and he thought I was asking him to repeat something else. It was like he had no idea that I didn't know their divorce wasn't final.

I totally freaked out. Started crying right away, though I'm not sure if he knew. It took him only a few seconds to realize that I was upset and really uncomfortable. He sounded surprised that it would upset me. He insisted that he thought he had already told me. How could he not remember telling me something like that? He told me he was divorced. I assumed it was a done deal. Apparently not.

I explained to him that it really bothered me. I totally respect the institution of marriage and suddenly find out that I've kissed a married man. I never thought I would do that. I respect marriage too much. Knowing that he hadn't given me enough information to let me make my own choice about it, really made me angry. But would I really have walked away in Vegas if I had known the divorce wasn't final? All I know is that I started feeling really bad. Like I had done something wrong. Everything I've been raised to believe means that you don't mess around with married men - Ryan is still married.

All of these things and more were flying through my head. I was crying and Ryan got more and more concerned. He said he wasn't trying to hide anything from me. He said that in his mind he is completely divorced. Apparently he and Christa did all the messy, unpleasant parts already. Then they just had to wait a year before they could complete it. Ryan says its been over a year, but that he just doesn't feel like paying a lawyer more money to get it taken care of right now. He was very sweet and kind about it all, but he said he didn't really understand why it was a big deal to me. To him, it was just a legality.

I tried to explain that I really, really respect marriage and never want to be the one who makes someone cheat. Yet now I have. This is something I could never tell my parents about Ryan, because they would never think it's OK. I told him about a friend who was dating a woman whose divorce wasn't yet final and that I counseled him against it. I had no idea that it would happen to me only a few months later. I felt like I was doing something wrong.

Ryan explained and reasoned and apologized. It really bothered him that it bothered me. He said he was scared that this was going to come between us. He had good reason to be scared. I was thinking that we should quit talking and that I shouldn't go visit him and that if he ever got the divorce finalized, I would consider getting involved again. Yet, I never told him that. Instead I listened to him explain that to him the marriage was over a long time ago. They were not ever going to get back together. He said he files his taxes by himself. He said that he works with a lot of divorced people or people who are in the process and that it might have made him numb to my perspective. He said his brother, Jordan, started dating his current girlfriend while she was going through her divorce and his parents/family was OK with it. He said in the same way his parents are OK with us dating right now. He said really the only thing that it means for us is that we can't get married today if we wanted to.

I don't even remember all that was said between us, but the conversation lasted a long time. The more Ryan talked the more I understood that he didn't want this to get between us. It was obvious to me that he really cares about me and that made me feel a whole lot better about the situation. Eventually I told him what I was thinking. That I liked him a lot and wanted to keep being involved with him. I still wanted to visit him at the end of the month. I opened up to him that it was hard for me to tell him how I was really feeling. I told him that I'm looking for someone I can settle down with. That I'm tired of dating and that someday I want to be married. I want to have a partner. I've been so good at doing everything myself and being so damn independent. I'd like to try life with someone else next to me. I like Ryan a lot yet it's hard to know if I should stay with him or if I should keep waiting for Prince Charming. That I have fantasized about it a lot and this was never quite how I imagined it. I never imagined myself falling in love with a divorced man with a child.

I think some of what I said bothered Ryan. He said he was sorry that he wasn't Prince Charming. I felt so bad and explained that I didn't mean it like that. I don't really think Prince Charming exists. I think he knew what I meant. So all of that led the conversation into other things like Hunter. Ryan said that someday this divorce stuff will be over, but that he's always going to have Hunter. I have to be OK with Hunter otherwise it's not going to work between Ryan and I. Luckily, I already knew that and made my peace with it. Children are fabulous and having a child has made Ryan a really neat person. I even told Ryan how I found myself thinking that I wanted to have his kids when he was talking about siblings for Hunter. He teased that I just wanted to try practicing getting pregnant. I
explained that it was more about giving and being selfless than anything else. (Now I'm kinda feeling weird about telling him that. I'm so scared of telling someone how I really feel and what I really think for fear of rejection. Hopefully Ryan won't reject me.)

Eventually I calmed down about the divorce. All the talking helped a lot. It's comforting to know Ryan is someone who wants to talk through things. When I first got upset I did what I normally do and tried to move the conversation onto something else. He refused. He said he wanted to talk about it. Wow, I'm so lucky to be with a man like that.

Since we were talking about so many other things, I figured it would be a good time to tell Ryan that I have herpes. I was going to tell him at some point (definitely before getting intimate), but I hadn't really decided when. I decided that I should give him a reason to end our relationship since he had done the same earlier. It would be better to just get it all out on the table. So I explained. I didn't really give him a chance to say anything because I was afraid of what he was going to say. Yet, not all that afraid. Ryan doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who would get upset and yell or anything. He isn't. He was amazingly accepting. He simply said that he assumed there were ways to be safe and that we'd just have to be safe. It was a relief that it wasn't a deal breaker. I feel really good that I got it out in the open now rather than later. As much as I want to be intimate with Ryan, I want him to make a fully educated decision before having sex with me. Plus, I want to wait to see where this is going. I wouldn't mind waiting until I know if this is going to be the man I spend the rest of my life with. In the past I've been far too hasty with sex and this time I want to make sure it's right. I respect Ryan and his feelings. I know Ryan respects me too. That's beautiful.

I can't remember how it came up, but near the end of the night, Ryan mentioned my hard shell. He said that sometimes my hard shell comes off and he can see the beautiful little flower inside. He's taken to calling me little flower and now I understand why. The truly wonderful part is that there's something about Ryan that makes me want to lose the shell. He makes me want to be a better person.

So, yeah, last night was a big night. I stayed up until 2am (1am in Calgary), but it was worth it. I feel like I've started on a really great relationship with a really great man.